Overwhelmed...

“Real life isn't always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring acknowledgement of what is working in our lives can help us not only to survive but surmount our difficulties.”- Sarah Ban Breathnach
“Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.”- Sarah Ban Breathnach

It's never enough and yet it is always to much. Sometimes I feel like the people that come in and out of my life on a daily basis are either givers or takers. There aren't usually any mediums. I have always thought it is better to be a giver but then I look at myself and think am I a giver or am I a doormat? Is it really possible to give to much? I wonder if I go above and beyond because I want to or because I feel like I have to. Is it that I love what I do or am I just affraid of disappointing someone. I thrive on being comfortable and feeling at ease but I am never really sure if I am comfortable or just affraid of changing something up.
I think that being a giver I tend to get run over quite a bit. Is it really okay that at the end of the day I sit back and feel like what I did for myself today was actually what I did for someone else. I am not selfish and I don't think that is should be about me but, I do think I should be able to have someone else look at me and see a well rounded person.
NO is not a word I know. Except for saying it to my 20 month old and even then I can hardly stand the look of disappointment on her face. It is just something that I have a very had time saying which I know is stupid. I just can't seem to help it. I am so scared that I am going to raise a little girl who won't be able to say it either. I want her to be everything I am not. I want her to have a voice and an opinion and not ever be even the slightest bit affraid to use them. I want her hopes and dreams to be respected. I want people to not just be able to come in and out of her life daily for what they need and then be done. I want everything she has to say to be heard and felt. Not just smiled and shrugged at. I pray everyday I can teach my child to be everything that I am not.
I am a lover, a giver, a friend, a companion, a partner, and a spouse. I am also that one person that people look at and say why does she let them take advantage of her...why doesn't she speak up...and then that person turns around and uses me more then the person before them. Nothing is easy or simple right now and this little diversion will once again veer back on track but I do hope that when it does I come out with a little bit more of a VOICE. If I can learn anything from a few of these individuals in or out of my life..."Sometimes you have to hurt the ones that think you care about them." -no names needed (YEAH RIGHT...)